So, you may have noticed that things have been very very quiet around here lately. And my friends, that is because I am pregnant. But that’s not the half of it. No really, literally.
I’ve been very apprehensive about this whole thing. You might remember that we lost a baby at the end of July, and then another baby in October. After that, we made a conscious decision to prevent pregnancy until the new year using natural family planning and charting with Fertility Friend. And meanwhile, I prayed. Oh my friends, I prayed so hard and for so many things. I was bold in my prayers. I asked for one last chance to hold a sweet little baby in my arms. I asked for a Christmas baby, because I have always thought that it would be a beautiful thing to walk through the Advent season with Mary, expectant and large and hopeful. I asked for a girl. I threw in twins just for the heck of it. But most of all, I prayed with all my heart to be holding a baby before the year was out.
And you know, I really felt like God was listening. I felt assurance that I would have a baby by Christmas. It wasn’t that He even bombarded me with signs or anything like that– it was a still small voice that assured me.
Month after month, we did what Fertility Friend said to do when Fertility Friend said to do it. And as surely as all the fun was being sucked out out of… things… so was my hope slowly receding as month after month I was decidedly NOT pregnant. But I clung tightly to what I believed to be God’s promise, knowing that things would happen as He willed, when He willed.
And then, during Holy Week, I discovered I was pregnant.
What a glorious Easter it was! I carried my lovely little secret with me, telling only my sister and a dear friend who was also experiencing pregnancy after a loss. I was scared and excited and worried and anxious and blown away by God’s grace. I was reassured by the doctor’s visit and happy to see that my HCG level was doubling. I even found a nifty little online tool that told me I was doubling every 1.1 days! That was great!
When it was time to go in for an ultrasound, I changed the appointment so my husband could go in with me. I am so glad I did, because I am not sure I would have had the strength to walk out of there on my own.
We dropped the children off at a dear friend’s house, and before we left, I confided to her, jokingly, that I was worried. I had asked God for a baby, and here was a baby. I asked God for a Christmas baby, and I was due on December 10 and traditionally go 2 weeks late. I asked God for a girl, and I wasn’t sure how that would go, but I had also asked God for twins. After we had a laugh, I kissed the kids and went.
Up on the table, it only took a moment for the tech to find what she was looking for. “Hmmmmmm…” she muttered, and my heart sank.
And then she held up two fingers.
Why the heck is she making the peace sign at me? was my only thought.
My husband was a little more quick on the uptake.
“Two?” he asked weakly.
“Two,” she responded confidently.
“Two?!?!?!” he asked again.
I still didn’t get it. Then I looked at the screen, and I got it.
We let the word out right away, partly because this is just too big to keep a secret, but mostly because, just as boldly as I went before God asking what I wanted, I am coming before you. I am asking for your thoughts, prayers, and good wishes. I am asking for your cheerleading and your love. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous and scared and anxious. I’m also already in love. Seeing those two strong little heartbeats was absolutely amazing. I know this will be a different experience than anything we’ve ever done before, and I’ll be asking lots of questions. I know we have to get through the first trimester, which for me seems to be a 50/50 proposition, and after that I know there are all kinds of other hurdles for twin pregnancies. But most of all I know that God is good and will get us through this no matter what may come.