Lately, I’ve been waking up at 4 AM every morning. I think about a lot of things—my children, my life, how I’ll spend the day ahead and how tired I’ll be with this two hour space in the middle of what was supposed to be my sleeping time. I think about song lyrics and staging and opportunities. I wonder what I would be dreaming if my mind were still at rest. I wonder what’s going on in all the other places in the world where people are awake and I wonder what’s going on with other people who are supposed to be sleeping but can’t. I think about lesson plans and story ideas and yes, even blog posts. Most of all, I think about change.
We didn’t have an autumn this year. It was summer and it was hot, and then one morning there was frost and by the evening there were flurries. And meanwhile, the air conditioners were still in the windows and no one had coats or sweaters.
There’s this perception that things shouldn’t change. I get so comfortable and mired down sometimes in the daily-ness of life, I forgot to reevaluate to see if things are actually working. And the next thing you know, it’s snowing and I don’t have a coat. I’m beginning to find this is a lot more common than I was originally led to believe.
A lot of what I blog about here—or blogged about, I suppose, since I haven’t been here for a while—is the importance of solidity in your life. I talk a lot about building a strong foundation of rhythms and routines that ground you and carry you through your days. Tonight… or this morning, rather, because 4 AM got me again… I am going to blog about change. It’s OK to change. It’s OK to look at your life and evaluate what is working and what isn’t. It’s OK to let go of things that are making you unhappy and embrace a new normal.
This feels a lot like vagueblogging, so I’ll come clean. When it became clear, after 5 weeks of homeschooling, that we had accomplished about 2 days worth of work, I put the middle boys in the public school down the street. The older two are cyber schooling. The twins and I are having a marvelous time, going to playgroups and story times and playgrounds. And you know what? I really love it. I feel like I am getting to know them for the first time. And even that’s a gateway to change, because I’m also looking for a full-time job. I’m excited and scared and embracing it and resisting it all at once.
The heart of who I am, who we are as a family, is still there. But things change. And I’m coming to terms with the fact that this isn’t some sort of betrayal or abomination, but just a part of being alive.
And now, I’ll leave you with a picture of my sweet (and changing!) babies on Halloween. And I’ll be back, because this is my space. I’ll be blogging about some arts-based and arts-integrated classes I’ve been teaching, and how we’re adapting our rhythms and routines to fit our new school situations, and what sort of fun early childhood things we’re doing. But mostly, I’ll write about how we’re changing and evolving and growing.
Peace to you.